The Broken Bird Club – My Late ADHD Diagnosis

I always knew I wasn’t “normal”. And that abnormality was Dyslexia. I was quiet in class, I didn’t misbehave, but my spelling was horrible, I would flip numbers in math, and I was always last in class to finish schoolwork. I was lucky a teacher noticed and recommended testing. I was officially diagnosed with Dyslexia.

Fast forward, I am now a mother and I see my elementary school-aged child struggling with the same issues. The bad spelling, the poor reading, the ability to fly away to her happy place at the drop of a hat. I was getting PTSD flashbacks of my horrible school experience. I wanted to make sure she didn’t have to suffer the way I did.

I Never Knew About Inattentive ADHD

I sat my daughter down for a cozy night of watching YouTube videos on dyslexia. As we watched each new video, I learned that dyslexia and ADHD can overlap and there is such a thing as inattentive ADHD. The symptoms of inattentive ADHD mirrored our life. Oh shit…

Self Diagnosis and Trying Supplements

After graduating from “YouTube University” with my ADHD specialist license I diagnosed myself with inattentive ADHD. While I researched how I would get an official diagnosis for my child and myself I came across the YouTube channel of Dr. LeGrand. Dr. LeGrand promotes managing ADHD symptoms with supplements. I didn’t think it would hurt to try some of the recommended supplements and I even hoped I would notice a change. Unfortunately, I had no noticeable change and one supplement (L-Tyrosine) gave me massive headaches. I was going to have to give the “real” ADHD meds a try.

It’s Official. We Have ADHD

I scheduled testing for my daughter and myself, but before we were assessed I had an important conversation with her. I explained that if she was diagnosed with ADHD, the doctors would probably talk to us about medication. She was 11, and I wanted her to have plenty of time to think about it. I was relieved when she said she didn’t want to take medication unless her ADHD ever caused serious problems in school.

After reading so many ADHD horror stories, I felt both of us were on the milder end of the spectrum. I had lived and thrived without medication until recently, and I hoped she might have the same outcome.

When the big day came, the obvious was confirmed: we both had inattentive ADHD.

How Did I Function Before, but Now I Am Dead?

But how did I manage all this time unmedicated? I was able to handle my undiagnosed ADHD symptoms through high school, college, and work. I did feel like a freak in high school because I was the only one with a planner, but I knew remembering deadlines was an issue for me. When phones became smart, I set alarms to go off weeks, days, hours, and even minutes before an appointment if it was really important.

I did make mistakes, but I don’t think more than most “normal” people. I was so paranoid about missing something at work that I had my own notes and post-it system so I wouldn’t miss deadlines. I had so many systems set up. I was the system queen.

But when my life started to fall apart in 2019, the grief that hit me was too much. I lost all my systems. I couldn’t even look at one without freezing up. The old me was gone. I needed help, and I was finally ready to try ADHD medication.

Micro Dosing Adderall

I told the doctor, “give me what the college kids get on the black market to study.” She gave me Adderall.

I’m sensitive to pharmaceuticals. My mom was too. So I asked for the smallest dose, 5mg. The first time I took it, I felt like I was vibrating and could walk through walls.

The next day I tried again. This time I split the pill in half. I wasn’t vibrating, which was good. But how would I know if it actually worked?

The proof was in the pudding when I was doing chores around the house. Pre-Adderall, my chore dance went like this: start one thing, get sidetracked, never finishing anything I started. But that day I carried laundry to my kid’s room, looked into their bathroom, saw another mess, and thought, I’ll come back later. OMG. That was such a massive change. I FINISHED putting away the laundry without getting sidetracked onto something else!

After that, I continued to experiment with dosage. I found 2.5 mg of Adderall in the morning was a good start to my day and if I need an extra boost after lunch I would take a teeny tiny 1.25 mg dose.

Adderall felt how coffee used to make me feel. I would have a cup or two of coffee a day and be a coding machine. But then, the coffee stopped working.

I want to make abundantly clear the Adderall has not gotten me back to 100%. But I am able to have short bursts of sustained focus, finish more than one small task, and not feel like I will drop dead on the spot halfway through the day

Other Unexpected Benefits

Another life changer was the fact I could leave the house without existential dread. I thought I didn’t want to leave because I was sad and I didn’t want to be out and start crying all of a sudden. But I realized, the fact I had no energy was making me paranoid to leave the house. I would catastrophize in my mind all the bad things that could happen while we are out. How the girls might have a meltdown which meant I would have a meltdown. But on Adderall I didn’t have fear anymore. I could leave the house and not just to buy milk. I could leave the house and do fun stuff with my family.

In my mission to help my child with her ‘dyslexia,’ I discovered the layered cake of neurodivergences we both possess. Oddly, I don’t feel relieved or happy. I thought I was just a bit nutty.