This Bird Finally Broke

I am setting aside coding for now

When I created this website back in 2018, I had some pretty big dreams of creating cute and fun material to teach the basics of coding. I even had more artwork and copy for my next few blog posts in draft form.

Then in 2019, I got a new job. I was super excited. I was ready to leave the last place I worked. I had been there 12 years and could never promote past Web Designer, and I had some horribly toxic bosses.

Now I was finally a Web Developer and getting to code back-end projects. So I got busy and didn’t have time to keep up with my drawing and writing. But it was okay. This site could wait while I cemented my new tech stack. I had only worked with Windows servers, and this was my first time working with Linux. I thought it was the beginning of a new trajectory in my career.

The First and Second Straw

Then, six months into my new job, my father-in-law passed away. He was a very kind man. He was already in his 90s, but I was still sad when he passed, and it affected my husband greatly. At the end of 2019, my mom was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. It had already gone to her brain.

At the beginning of 2019, I thought my luck was finally turning around. But the Universe wanted to make sure I stayed depressed. I won’t go into my whole depressing timeline, but positive times in my life seem to be few and short-lived.

Then the pandemic started in 2020. So now I had my mom with terminal cancer and a pandemic that was locking down society. What else could go wrong?

The Third Straw

My closest work friend died of COVID in April 2020. We had become friends at the prior job, and even after he left for a promotion, we stayed in touch. Even when I changed employers, we still made sure to talk on the phone once a week, and he would come down once a month to have lunch with me during our work week.

I would say he was my best friend, but he was everyone’s best friend. He was the kind of person who could make a new friend wherever he went. When I wondered if I was being too sensitive and wanted a second opinion at work, I would ask for his advice.

He was so incredibly observant. Once, when I told him all the dark things going on in my life, he looked at me and said, “You never allow yourself to mourn. You just keep going on with life.” And I was shocked. I was shocked because he was right.

I never realized that before. The only world I knew was one that didn’t care what was going on in your life, only that you were producing. Because if you were not producing, you were useless.

This dear friend also told me that pensions and retirement accounts are scams because most people don’t live long enough to enjoy them. And unfortunately, he didn’t get to live to enjoy his.

During this time, my mom was still alive. But the passing of my friend hit me so hard. He had a wife and teenage son he left behind.

I started to eat. I ate a lot of what I like to call “garbage from the street” and gained weight. This was the first time I ever ate my feelings.

The Forth Straw

So now there was a pandemic, a close friend died from said pandemic, my mom had appointments with doctors to see what they could do for her, and then where I worked was forcing us to go back into the office.

And let’s not forget — this was also the time of the George Floyd riots. I lived not far from one of the riot epicenters. My city had curfews.

My bosses knew I had a mother with terminal cancer. They could see what was going on in the news. I sent an email saying I would work from home the next day out of worry about getting back home because of the riots and curfews.

I got a letter from my boss letting me know the way I requested the day off was not following policy. This was the first of a number of emails I received letting me know I was not following policy properly.

But! Did I mention they told me I needed to “take care of myself” after I said my mother had terminal cancer?

The treatment at that place could be another post on its own. But I’ll save you the grief. I decided to quit. I thought my mom didn’t have long to live. I would rather spend the last moments my mom had by her side than with these assholes who were trying to make me miserable.

But guess what? My mom got treatment that extended her life for almost three years. Five months after quitting that last job and seeing the progress of my mom, I decided it would be best to try and get some remote work.

The Universe decided to throw this dog a bone because a week after I made that decision, I got a remote job. Thanks, Universe.

I can’t say my mom’s quality of life was the best. She was a single mom and business owner. She was very independent.

The only reason we found out she had cancer was because she was reading a client’s file and couldn’t write anything down. She went to the emergency room, and that’s when they found the cancer in her brain.

To see her now, unable to do much of anything, I know it was very hard for her, and it was hard for me too. I wish I could have done something. She did so much for me, and I was unable to make anything better.

The Final Straw, I Broke

My mom passed away in early 2023. Of course, I was sad. I was so fucking sad. She was my only parent. My only mom. I never thought I would be under 50 and not have a parent in my life.

My kids were able to spend some time with grandma, but the last three years were very few visits.

This was the last straw. The last straw of grief that I could bear. And that was it. I broke. I broke so hard.

I was lucky that my employer was accommodating to my needs and allowed me to take time off. I should mention I was hired as an hourly contract employee.

I was so happy to not have to work a full 40 hours a week, and as long as I got my projects done, they didn’t care what day or time of the week I did it.

At least I had that.

Until the company I worked for started to lose clients, so my hours got shortened. I actually didn’t mind because I was so depressed I was not very functional. But the lack of mental stimulation made me go further down a dark hole.

In 2024, I realized I was so non-functional I had to do something about it.

I plan to tell you what those things are, but that will be for the next post.